An inward journey to find a way out..

She knew she was walking out of that door for the last time.  Clinically there are a lot of jargons for such a condition but if you need to get cured from inside out then your own will is required. At the age of 15, somebody claimed that she needed help. But they forgot to treat their own self. Generally any stress is generated due to a conflict within you or by not understand things around you. She had none.  She had no opinion about anything so there was no chance of conflict.  She was just floating aimlessly. So the picture that came out was of a lost and disturbed soul. And frankly she felt it too. What could possibly go wrong inside you at that age? 

To start with, having no likes or dislikes could be a problem. Because of which, you are left behind in almost everything and then it destroys your confidence.  Confusion arising from observation can be one of the reasons but then you cannot blame others for that. It is obvious that the same inputs can give a different output with time or person. So if we individually react differently to the same situation it proves that the problem is inside us. But the process is not simple. It starts with self doubt and then slowly it goes into complete negativity. You start blaming others and everything around you seems to be cruel and unfair. Then you start defending yourself to get more and more support from others. So you start behaving extra nice. You are ready to do anything for anybody. Then the external praises push you deeper in the darkness. Most of this is happening on a subconscious level. You yourself cannot easily get to the cause or the effect. Once you get into the trap of being nice and feeling bad, the brain gets all the more confused. From here the journey can lead you to either self destruction or self realization.      

Self destruction includes everything that can stop you from thinking or can take you away from the pain. She chose the latter. The journey from an unsuccessful suicide attempt to becoming a self aware person must not have been easy. In the first case the outcomes can be like getting addicted or becoming violent or getting involved in criminal activities; anything that can keep you from thinking.  You end up meeting people who are ready to be more sympathetic towards you and ultimately things keep getting worse. All this obviously hampers your health, studies and self evaluation. People generally believe that those who attempt suicide are emotionally and mentally weak. But it does take a lot of courage to give up everything even if it is just in the mind. Most of the unsuccessful suicide attempts are not because of realization. Someone reaches them in time. So there is no immediate learning from the lesson. So now what or who is the solution?

Every person has a different solution; as the problems are different. Apparently they all are in depression but the causes vary. If we talk about the further journey as walking out of the darkness towards light then the solution comes from the darkest point. The reason of reaching there is only one. ‘Lack of self belief.’ You feel you cannot see anything further. All roads are closed and you are living as a burden on everyone around you. This is where the courage to end the life comes from and exactly this is where the solution is. Though the realization comes much later but we all do pass through this passage at different times in our life. ‘What next? And so what?’ Here the will power and the understanding become  important tools.  Some are blessed with the right people in life and they can accelerate the process for good. But there are few who don’t get much external help.

Here the lack of self respect helped her to accept that the problem was inside her. So she was open to help most of the time. Not many could reach her but this took her back to the therapist as always. After telling every sorrowful story of her life, she was ready for the final verdict. As a patient of acute depression, she was referred to a psychiatrist. Telling your own sorry stories do give you a high most of the times but here she was told that she was an acute case of depression and may need to take medication for the same throughout her life.  This is where she heard the most harsh and loud sound in her head. “I behave in a certain way, I pay for all my mistakes, I have to go through this hell everyday and this is what they have to offer; Medication”. At that very point she could clearly see herself. A weak and the most fake person lived inside her. And she had not got the answer to the question; WHY ME?  Even 10 years of therapy could not give her an answer. Now she had nowhere to go, nobody expected much from her and so she had all the time to start looking inside her. Her own façade had collapsed. 

Sometimes a friend or a guide helps you by asking the right questions and sometimes you have to travel all alone. The first step is to accept positivity. Accept that if you can be the saddest person then you can surely become the happiest person too. It may sound extreme but that is the only motivation to start a journey. Between hatred for others and love; she chose love. From here the true learning began. There were few words she learnt and implied in her life. Third person perspective, sensitivity towards everything, self evaluation, detachment and most importantly Love. The transformation took its own time and efforts. I would surely like to go into her mind and get an insight of these words but that is only once we all have given it our own thought first. So as a continuation I would like to cover these words and their true meaning soon.

So her journey started when she decided to walk out of that door for the last time to never go back there.  They may call it depression but it is a fresh opportunity to begin your life again. We all go through different phases but change comes through the choices we make.