It is difficult to relate with a nameless character.
She had no identity so she had no name. Let’s call her Nandini and continue the
story from her perspective.
After a long period of feeling lost, one loses the
confidence to decide what he or she wants. At every stage of life, every person
believes that he is doing the right thing as per the situation… but still keeps
looking for assurances. Some criticize and some praise. They control your lives
that way. Their opinions keep you swinging between feeling good or bad about
yourself. Every situation gets exaggerated in your mind and slowly your mind
starts manipulating to strengthen your defense mechanism all the more.
Nandini had come to a stage where any external power
could not make her feel good about herself. She had forgotten the reality of
her own story. Was it real or fiction? The dilemma pushed her to the feeling of
numbness. She was observing everything but just could not relate with any other
person or even any fictional character or with any lyrical expression of the
great number of songs she heard. There was only one thing in her that kept her
going. She always had the innate ability to analyse things or people. Depravity
of sensitivity in her life had made her feel the need for it. She was not sure
if she was actually a good person. Was it the pretence for making people like
her? But she could not hurt a soul.
There are many people out there who ask WHY ME? Why
do bad things happen to me? Why don’t they understand me? Why didn’t I get this
or that? The list of unanswerable questions is endless. The people who ask
these questions feel that they are the victim. For Nandini none of these
questions were relevant. All Nandini felt was “I do not deserve happiness. If I
laugh too much then I would have to cry”. She was a victim, but not of anything
external. She was a victim of her own thoughts and perception. Nothing is worse
than the worst so things had to change.
She had a lengthy romantic relationship with her tragic life and had a rollercoaster
journey of highs and lows. Now she was finally prepared for only one thing. A
better Life.
People, who keep blaming others for their failure,
generally take too long to reach themselves. For them it can be their parent’s
fault or their relatives, or their friends and if none of the above then it is
this bad ugly world outside, conspiring against them. And of course cannot
forget the most common target, God. If you assume that others can make or break
your life then the only solution is to keep everybody happy or change them
completely. Learn some magical tricks and make them live your life. But then as
per your perception if these people are actually the villains then why expect anything
different from them? If humans could just take good care of each other and keep
everybody happy they would never have felt the need to reproduce (More about this later). If others
cannot be blamed then who is the responsible person for your unhappiness or
failure? It can be only you. The primary reason for this is that you can only
control yourself and not others. But just this understanding is not enough. The
real test is in the implementation. The
toughest part is to accept that it is solely your fault. Your mind refuses to
accept it. It is not that others are not a part of the destruction but even
that is possible mostly because you gave them the right to destroy. There is no
non brutal way to understand this.
It was high time Nandini decided her career goal.
Graduation was almost over and after many decisions made and not followed
through, she had to take the final decision. Till now she had made few new
friends and was in a relationship and this had of course helped her confidence
but wisdom was still far away. Her first day if trying for a career shook the
false confidence out of her. She had no idea about what was said. She did not
know the names of any world famous personalities nor was she aware about any of
the national or international events. She had read the headings of the
newspaper regularly but those words meant nothing. In school days she used to
listen to discussions at home and knew about the world affairs, politics and
sports. During the last few years she was living in the most non-productive
manner possible. She did have reasons for it and could easily blame it on her
situation at home or her relationship. But now she was out there in the real
world. Nobody had the time or interest in knowing her story. Everything
depended just on her performance. She had reached a dead end. There was nowhere
to go and no scope of running away.
It became the question of survival. She was sent to
a good school. She had already studied abroad. She got to study the subject she
chose. So who was to be blamed? She tried hard to put the blame on something
out there but deep within she knew that only she was responsible. All those who
she thought needed her were already independent. They had overcome their
obstacles and they could have done it even without her. And where was she? She
was smart enough to find other escape routes and she had developed this knack
over the period of time. So one way was to fool herself first then others and
then form a convenient story inside your head to justify everything. She had
succeeded before but that success was transient. It could not make her feel
comfortable for long.
If you stay uncomfortable for too long, you get this
extra energy which is majorly consumed for basic survival and some is left to
look for an alternate solution. First there comes this irresistible wish to be
someone else. But nothing changes. A wish without action is even more
frustrating than putting in the real efforts. So then you are hit by few more
possibilities. Either to replicate a person better than you or just make a
resolution and follow it or just go back to your real self; enter the cave and
vanish again. Here the next roller-coaster ride begins. You feel great and
positive for some time and soon you feel scared of the reality. Many a time you
are not sure, if things around you change first or you have to change yourself
first. It takes time to experiment and experience this learning. But this
argument is of no use because once things start changing. It doesn't matter
who, how or what started the change.
Nandini never realized when or how her problems and
questions changed. Now she knew clearly that situations and other people were
only her excuses for not going through the pain. It is painful to accept that
you are wrong, to know that you are dispensable, and to realize that being good
or being bad doesn't have any immediate effect. It is tough to strip off all
that you are and hang on to that thin thread of hope.
Nandini realized that she had to forgive a lot of
people and forget many incidences. She was carrying garbage and building a life
on this foundation. After a few failures she got an opportunity to work in an
environment where people were much better than her in every sense. She noticed
that unlike her their intelligence had not taken them away from the reality.
She found some hope. There were new lessons to be learnt. She considered
herself fortunate as she got many opportunities to become a better and stronger
person. She decided not to give up but had to forgive herself first.
